went in strong, came out crying over a CGI tree voiced by vin diesel
Yes, the previous spat was pretty bad, but I think anyone who basically reads the following e-mail will look at it and go, “are you fucking joking?”
Here is some backstory, though, so you understand why this is all going down: he broke up with his girlfriend of many years for some really fucking random reason. At some point when he had just moved into his new house, he decided to “confess” to my current girlfriend, basically out of the blue. My girlfriend, flabbergasted, looked at him dead in the eye and basically said “you are a fucking idiot.”
She, of course, didn’t want the relationship to implode upon itself, so she didn’t tell me anything had happened. Of course, Satan at some point spoke to some random person (a teacher friend of his from a school, if you recall), that enlightened him, and he decided to come clean with me. When he did, it wasn’t apologetically or admitting he had done something wrong.
Nope, he thought he was doing something good for bae. From what I understand, basically, he thought he was rescuing bae from me because I am apparently the worst human on the planet. And then he let me know like we were still cool, because he had told me, and that meant he was honest and a trustworthy guy. I can’t make this shit up.
I eventually ‘made up’ with him but kept him very much at arm’s length, because the dude is out of his goddamn mind. Eventually I joked around and made a post on his Facebook while he stayed logged onto a device, saying “PROTIP: Log off of Facebook when you’re done, [Satan].” or something to that extent, and he got hella mad at me and accused me of hacking and invading his privacy and basically escalated it to some insane level of… well, insane.
It all escalates to a few of the e-mails I’ve already posted here — a timeline which is kind of out of order, but fuck it, I’m just dumping this because I’m bored, he got brought up again (he always manages to come up in conversation because it’s like an old war story), and someone needs to laugh with me at this so that I can convince myself that it’s laugh-worthy.
From: Satan McMurderson
To: Satan McMurderson
You must take time to relax and think. Ask yourself a simple question. Why do most of my friends love and respect me? What do I do that allows people to trust me? What do i do that makes people believe in me?
Haven’t you noticed how respectful and honest I’ve been with you? I don’t play games. I don’t violate privacy. I don’t try to hurt you.
If you truly wanted to make amends and be friends, then you would have responded differently to my email. You would have asked important questions and perhaps even said “Hey [Satan], I did not know that you considered me a threat, let’s try and talk about this because maybe there’s a misunderstanding.” But instead you responded with more horrible insults, judgements, and negative comments. If someone responds that way, how can I not consider them a threat?
If you need to know why you are a threat, it’s because of the way you speak and treat me. I would never say such horrible things to you or anyone unless they killed my parents or something. When I read the emails you have sent me, I feel dirty, almost like a criminal. But then I remember that i am not anything like what you say about me. If I was that horrible of a person as the way you describe me, then I would want to kill myself.
Thank god that I have a healthy self-esteem because your words are truly hurtful. I have lost so much sleep and had such depressing conversations with friends and family because of you. You make me feel like the worst human being in the world even though I am constantly thinking positive and trying to be happy and helpful. It just flat-out hurts to read your emails. I really wish you could just read your emails and pretend that someone had written them to you. They are truly awful and I can’t imagine why you have so much hate in your soul.
Regardless, an apology no longer matters anymore. You would have to prove yourself through actions. You would have to prove that you are an amazing and responsible person by doing things that help your family, friends, and community. Borrowing hundreds of dollars to go to a videogame event when you are already in debt is hardly a good example. Sending hate emails is not a good example. Just relax and think about things before you do them in the future. Set an example for others.
In case you think I’m still a horrible person, think about everything that I do. I bought a house and I maintain it by working hard on it. I allow all friends and family to come over at anytime because I know that they want to have fun and get away from their problems for a while. When I was younger, I always visited friends because it was nice to get away. That’s why I NEVER say no to my friends and family when they want to come over. I will sacrifice sleep and anything just for them because I know it makes them happy and I feel the happiest when they are happy. I also help family and friends with their own problems and deal with mine at the same time. I am always willing to go on adventures, drive to gainesville, or do whatever it takes to make people happy. Why do I do it? Because I love my friends and family. I would rather take my family and friends out to dinner and pay for them instead of buying videogames. I truly enjoy making others happy.
Maybe that’s a sad and pathetic way to live. Maybe the way I am drives you nuts and makes you think I am retarded. Maybe I am ANNOYING and difficult to deal with at times. But I am a hardworking person with a good soul. I know that I make mistakes, but I make mistakes while trying to help others. I never do things for selfish reasons. I do not write hate emails and text messages. I simply live a happy life and let others tag along because it feels nice to have everyone with me and I know it makes them happy. I hate being alone. I am scared of being alone because life is too short and the world is too big to explore alone. That’s why i charge [Bob] HALF the price to live in my home. He only pays $300 per month. I could easily charge $600 or more for someone to live in a full-size home. But I love that kid and everyone in my life. [Schmoe], [Crikey], [Randolph], and many others have slept over my house countless times and I never charge them or ask anything of them. We are just good friends who have fun and respect each other.
How many times have I tried to help you? I have given you advice, given you money, driven you places, done whatever it takes to help you get back on your feet. And you repay me with hate mail? If you don’t think your emails are hateful, then just go back and count how many curse words and insults you throw out there. You don’t have to apologize, just be a great man and respect people. People shouldn’t have to demand or ask for respect. I respect everyone when I first meet them and I continue to respect them until they do something stupid and hurtful. And even after they do such a thing, I try to work it out. But only a fool forgives someone and gets hurt by the same person multiple times.
I have been a fool for worrying about you and trying to forgive you multiple times. I have lost too much sleep and seen too much sadness out of [bae] and [gf] to continue worrying about you. Now I simply want to move on and maybe in a few years, your actions will speak louder than any hate mail you have written to me. Maybe your positive good actions will erase my negative memories of you and help create new positive memories of you. That is the same wish I have for [trumpeter] and anyone else who may ever try to hurt me. The world is full of opportunities and second chances. Maybe everyone who makes mistakes can turn themselves around eventually. But it takes time and positive actions. Anyone can do it if they truly want to improve their way of life.
Sometime after I stopped being friends with Satan McMurderson, I still kept in touch with his girlfriend (because she’s actually a Cool Person™ who I spoke with regularly before that and god forbid I continue being friends with people who are nice), and talked all sorts of fun shit, etc.
We were all hanging out together, my bae, the Trumpeter, the gf and I, and she had taken pictures of a bunch of kittens that she had (that Satan McMurderson now basically holds hostage) and, at my insistence, showed me. They are pretty awesome cats, and I hope she can get them back.
Well, because she didn’t want to hide anything from Satan McMurderson, she told him that I’d seen the cats in a passing comment.
The following e-mail chain ensued.
From: Satan McMurderson
I thought it was obvious after you insulted and betrayed me, but clearly you forgot last night. You cannot talk to [gf] or any of my family and friends again. You do not have the right to ask for photos of anything occuring in my house, even if it’s a group of cute kittens. You lost the right to have any involvement in my life when you insulted and betrayed me. You made poor decisions and now must suffer the consequences of your actions. I went through this same process with [trumpeter] when he betrayed me, so I hope you follow in his footsteps and stay out of my life. If not, I will consider you a threat and inform the police or whatever legal body necessary in order to keep you out of my life. I hope we do not have any more issues in the future. Thank you.
I can talk to anyone I want. Bye.
Let me add something to this, before you waste your time informing “the police or whatever legal body necessary” so that you can save yourself time and embarrassment, talking to [gf] does not constitute talking to you, and I do not involve myself in your life when I do so. I’m okay with you hanging out with [bae], and she’s my girlfriend. Not only that, I’m okay with this despite our mutual history of what you’ve done. This happens to be a two-way street. Please take your hypocritical stance on this and shove it, because I honestly don’t give a fuck. Additionally, when you initiate contact with me, you don’t get to claim… much of anything. Besides the fact that I’ve already established that I don’t want anything to do with you, I don’t get where you get off with being able to claim that I am a threat because of that. Good luck explaining that to “the police or whatever legal body necessary” and let me know how it works out.
Replies from him to the letter in general. I don’t recall what the actual sequence of events is, but here it is.
Guys, a long time ago (approximately three years, actually), I had to deal with a fucking fedora. I didn’t know what a fedora was at the time. I sure wish I did.
I mean, I’m not making this shit up. This person, to this day, still fucks with the people around me, but there’s not much I can do considering the situation is basically fucking backwards.
Even more unfortunate: this dude has a few of my good friends’ cats in his house (basically held hostage), and he lives a few doors down from my girlfriend. Joy!
I have all sorts of awfully hilarious (and depressing) stories to tell about this person, but I have some interesting literature regarding this dude from back in the day.
By the way, if you go to https://twitter.com/MikeTheWiseSage you will see actual, real quotes from this person. This guy is a fucking idiot.
Basically, this person is actually comprised of 72% industrial-grade fedora, 18% water, 10% other. And 300 mph lava. (He thinks it goes that fast.)
The following is a letter I sent him sometime in 2011. His reply to it was this:
"Your email made me realize how dangerous, stupid, and unpredictable u are. I also realized that i didn’t love rachel. I care for her as a friend and want to protect her from u. U like to insult, hurt, and alienate others because people did it to u when u were younger. U wrote that email to satisfy yourself, to get revenge. I told u the truth and accepted u as a man. But your email changed that. I no longer see u as a man, just a sad little boy.
I hope god or some greater power helps u in your life. This is the last time we’ll ever talk unless u have a deep meaningful apology for me and for all the family and friends u have hurt.”
Make sure you internalize that before you read my letter. Done? Alright, here you go:
Since you’re not picking up your phone, and I have studying to do today…
I figure I’ll write you a letter.